Like we did with our review of the book, “Kill The Boy Band,” Hannah and I (Karah) got into a chat and wrote while watching the premiere of the western zombie boy band movie “Dead 7.”
The movie with written, produced and starred our favorite boy bander Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. On top of that, it included members of the Backstreet Boys, ‘NSync, O-Town, All-4-One, No Authority, Crazytown, Everclear and solo artists such as Frenchie Davis, Jon Secada and Rico Suave!
The review is broken down into the preshow, the commercials, and the end. Enjoy!
Hannah: I’m so excited for this. LOL
Karah: I left work early for this so it better be good. Then again, Nick Carter in a cowboy hat. Have mercy.
Hannah: I was going to say… This could be complete garbage and it would still be amazing, based purely on Nick being a zombie-killing cowboy. But I’m sure it won’t suck at all. He’s NICK and this is his brain child. I’m really proud of him for coming up with this and getting it to actually happen.
Karah: “They’re everywhere… and I’m running out of whiskey.” Sorry commercial just came on and I like that line.
Hannah:I’m looking forward to that “everybody has to die someday” line cos… holy mother of a poptart. *fans self*
Karah: That should have been our motto for the “All American” tour.
Hannah:Cos of the crazies???
Karah: No, because of Nick and his sex-u-al-li-tttttty
Karah: Here we go. Movie time.
Hannah:OMG. So my TV turned itself off JUST as it was about to start. But its ok. I’m back on now.
Commercial Break #1:
Hannah: Holy shit. AJ. How has AJ not been discovered as an actor? Like seriously. That laugh. That shit is intense.
Karah: I never want to stand next to AJ in VIP ever ever agai, but if I have to, I want him to wear that make up and stick his tongue out. Also, Nick just tweeted me.
Hannah: I can’t wait to call Howie Paquerrrrrro like every time I see him ever from now on. Howito lives.
Karah: I wish I could pronounce it.
Hannah: I think so far, other than AJ, I’m actually most impressed with Joey, which is surprising to me because I really didn’t like Joey in most things I’ve seen him in. But he really looks like a traditional “western” star. It’s interesting how this film could “unite” all the boy band fandoms.
Karah: I realized, besides Carrie Ann Keegan, I’ve met all of the Dead 7. I feel like I should win an award.
Karah: And yes, Joey is hella good in this which I figured he would be. I mean, he worked at Universal and did all of that stuff before N Sync. I think it’s funny though that he went to get Howie involved since they went to college together. Or was it Chris? Regardless, it’s all fucking crazy.
Hannah: Yeah, this shit is really insane. Nick’s brain is weird. Especially Apocalyptica or whatever her name is. That chick is really nuts!
Hannah: I’m loving the story so far though, it’s a strong story arc. I feel like Nick really took time to think this out and didn’t just slap something together, which was a fear I saw a lot of people having in social media comments.
Karah: The fanfic writer in me is giddy he is using chapters.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #2
Hannah: So we finally see Nick. It took too long. But damn the sweat/dirt/Cowboy hat does wonders! We all knew he was going to be the hero.
Karah: And he is hot as the hero in the cowboy hat. But why the hell did he have to kill Dan Miller from O-Town so soon? He’s my favorite. I guess that’s why, Nick’s jealous. It was all or nothing. It was liquid blood dreams. These are the days that he kills my other favorite boy band members.
Karah: I’ll stop.
Hannah: He’s going all scorched earth on us to make sure he’s the only one. (Yeee-aaah)
Karah: Nick needs to dress as Jack on Movie Night on the cruise. I’m just saying.
Karah: And then we have Howito and his spanish and hugging his gun. Like, holy shit. It’s like a fan fiction.
Hannah: He was legit singing to it in that one shot. Nick knows. That’s what Howies do in all the fics.
Karah: I think it’s funny that Jeff is playing Nick’s younger brother, when I know Jeff is older than him by a few years. But the whole “always letting me down” talk from a brother stand point. Wonder where he got that?
Hannah: I was thinking that, too, as you know.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #3
Karah: Nick’s comment when he sees his wife: “What the hell?”
Hannah:I love that Lauren comes out of the blue to save Nick. I feel like it’s autobiographical at that point on some level. Go Nick for giving his girl a strong character. I feel like all the haters are being shown up right now! Haha
Karah: I think he said at first she was going to be a madame in a whore house, but he decided to give her a stronger character or something to that effect.
Karah: And can we talk about Howie’s quick spanish and his in-and-out accent that comes and goes? Howard!
Hannah: I feel like Howie really cusses in Spanish when he’s freaked out like that. I feel like Nick really did write all these roles really specifically for the people in the roles. It adds to the campy-fan-fiction feeling to it. And yes, I know, the chapters! Haha… I wish the other Boys had gotten involved, too, just to see how Nick envisions them in post-apocalyptic world. Kevin should be here, shutting down this whole Apocalyptica lady with his dirty brows.
Hannah: Just one look and it’d be over.
Karah: I feel like Kevin would have made a good sheriff. Brian, I don’t know who he could have been. But nobody could be Joey’s character.
Hannah: Brian could be a priest. LOL
Hannah: I wote a fan fic once called the Legend of the Bone Ranger… AJ was the Lone Ranger and Nick was Nicky the Kid… they all had crazy western nicknames.
Hannah: OH WE’RE BACK!
COMMERCIAL BREAK #4
Karah: I don’t know but Nick Carter’s imagination is about as fucked up as mine is, even more so. Is this what he sits around and thinks about? Maybe on a bad day, he dreams that all the fans are copperheads. Or at least the ones that pisses him off.
Hannah: Some of them are kind of zombie-ish.
Karah: LOL joking, joking. We keed. We keed.
Karah: Joey Fatone and Howard Dwaine Dorough fighting with one another while the lovely Erik-Michael Estrada kills all the zombies, bahahahahaaha. Howie fighting in Spanish. Again, with the come-and-go accent Howard.
Hannah: Stupido gringo.
Hannah: I like that you can tell that they really did have a lot of fun filming this. You can also tell Nick’s twisty imagination did a lot of hard work on storyboarding. I feel like this is a very well organized RPG or something – like in a good way, not a bad way.
Karah: If this is what this movie is like, I kind of want to know what “Evil Blessings” was all about. Now I’m interested in seeing how twisted his mind was in that. I can see a lot of Walking Dead in this, but now that we’re watched more, it’s interesting to see how different it is.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #5
Karah: I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW. HOWITO IS DEAD.
Hannah: WHAT THE FUCK CARTER!!! Killing Howie is NOT ALLOWED!
Hannah: That was the wrongest of the wrong. Howie’s innocent. What are we going to do now when we’re not keeping track of whether he remembered his accent or not??? Oh my heart. If this is how I feel over Howito biting it — er, getting bitten — how the hell am I going to handle it if Nick or – mercy – AJ go? NICK – NO MORE DEAD BSBs! (You can kill off other boy banders, just no more BSBs.)
Hannah: #MayHeRestInPeace #RupertP
COMMERCIAL BREAK #6
Karah: AJ’s character is one sick son of a bitch.
Hannah: Well, I mean. It’s AJ. Did we really expect anything less from him?
Karah: No, but I feel like this is AJ’s alter ego. He would be a mass murderer if he wasn’t a Backstreet Boy.
Hannah: Haha. I feel a new fan fic was just born?
Karah: Only if it involves Nick in a cowboy hat.
Hannah: I’m still depressed about Howie.
Hannah: Next time I watch this, I am legit keeping a body count for Jack because I’m just saying he’s only killed like 3-4 people from the start of this and he’s clearly supposed to be the key badass but it’s everyone else doing the killing around him. Nick’s character’s main M.O. is like being a sexy dirt covered cowboy guy. I’m not complaining.
Hannah:He plays it well.
Karah: If he doesn’t bring that outfit on the cruise, I’m protesting. I need a pic with cowboy Nick.
COMMERCIAL BREAK #7
Hannah: OH MY GOD. I’m more sad Nick was about to cry than I am that Billy died though. This movie though. And AJ. AJS HEAD! I can’t.
Karah: Bye Billy. But did AJ really just say “I ain’t got time for that” after calling Lauren a bitch? BITCH PLEASE, you is headless now. Lauren kicked your ass.
Hannah: I feel like Lauren could take all of the boys in this movie IRL.
Karah: And Joey and his “DINNER TIME” and his constant pissing. *cries*
Karah: Joey and AJ own this movie.
Hannah: NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the HELL!!!!!!!!!!! Why?! ….And Lauren walks away.
Karah: That mother fucker killed himself.
Hannah: Yup. He sure did. He broke all our hearts.
Karah: And he gets taken down by a little girl. What kind of fuckery is that? A LITTLE GIRL?!
Hannah: It’s just so damn poetic, though. Everyone’s focused on that one psychotic bitch chick and all the time it was the little girl. And Nick’s somewhere right now, cackling all evil at all of us freaking right out.
Karah: I’m sorry, a LITTLE GIRL?!?!?!
Karah: I can’t process my emotions right now. I’m still torn up from Howie dying, then Joey and then Nick offs himself?
Hannah: I **LOVE** that Lauren’s the one that walks away from it all in the end. It’s a great twist. I’m pissed everyone’s dead though. But I gotta say – Nick’s sexy even dead and stuff. LOL
Karah: Yeah, he’s hot dead or alive. But damn, a little kid? Of all freakin’ things, a little girl? He fights that evil witch, and AJ, and all of the others, and gets taken out by a kid.
Karah: I just can’t.
Hannah: I know they were talking about a sequel earlier this week, like teasing on Twitter. I hope we get the backstory of Jack and what all went on before he left town and all that. It would be a great way to do more movies even though everyone ended up dead. I saw several people remarking on Twitter that the title makes sense now – “Dead 7” being the seven of them… being… well, dead.
Karah: Lauren was in the 7. Her character wasn’t dead, tho.
Hannah: Wasn’t there 8 total? That died, I mean? OR… OR MAYBE… Maybe she’s metaphorically died. Because her heart died with Jack! *fans self* Could Nick possibly be that deep?
Karah: The answer is no. LOL
Hannah: I think I’m still saddest about Howie. I mean Nick at least had his full mental capacity when he offed himself, he stayed himself. Howie got zombiefied and tried to eat his buddies before he went. Howie suffered the worst fate. Plus he’s Howito.
Karah: Howie just wanted to get his swerve on and got tricked. That’s really the worse way to go. Other than getting bit by a little girl.
Hannah: Or bit by your girl while you’re giving her the goodbye-cos-you-dead kiss. Poor Erik.
Karah: Well, she was a whore.
Hannah: So was the zombie that ate Howie.
Karah: She was a fat whore.
Hannah: Chained to a bed. Howie’s kinky.
Karah: I have to give it to Nick. The movie turned out a lot better than I thought it would be.
Hannah: Once it’s established it’s not to be taken seriously, I agree. I’m glad he went B movie feeling with it and not serious-serious. I loved it for exactly what it was. He did a great job.
Hannah: It was cheesy perfection.
Karah: It was a fucked up perfection. LOL
Hannah: Damn it. I want to watch it again.
Karah: That’s why they make DVRs.
Hannah: That’s why people with shitty Comcast need the DVD to come out sooner than June!
Karah: We give it 9 ½ boy banders out of 10. Nickolas Gene Carter, we are SO proud of you!
To pre-order “Dead 7” on DVD, click here to order from Amazon. It is released on June 7, 2016.